Behind the Curtains

I am sitting in a chair next to the window looking out at the sea (yes I can see the sea from my window, I am blessed) trying to figure out what to write my blog post about. I have the drive but my brain is completely empty. Literally. Like someone ate all the cookies and left the jar. No one likes an empty cookie jar.

Now That I have gotten you sufficiently hungry, I will take this blog post as an opportunity to lift the curtain and talk about the person behind this blog (aka me). Something that is not done enough in our world of social media where people post colourful happy photos but don’t talk about the real person behind them. So grab your handlebars and start pedalling.
IMG_1473I have been living in Brighton for four months now, on the pursuit for the creative and exciting life only to get smacked in the face by a knee inquiry, an extremely hard time finding a flatshare, loneliness, unemployment and anxiety + A LOT of sadness (I hesitate to call it depression, because I do not want to down play the seriousness of depression, something many close+important+amazing people in my life live with everyday). I am not sharing this to glean pity or puppy dog eyes, but I am sharing it to illustrate that we all struggle. Patients helps with the struggle, but I will be the first to tell you, I am not good at being patient.

I am no longer homeless (hence me sitting by the window) and share a flat with 4 fabulous people. The loneliness has recently slowly started to dissipate due to meeting many people I feel akin with (although even when life is full of supportive people I find loneliness can still appear, perhaps it is something to make friends with), however my heart still aches and I feel a bit lost without a purpose. It is a feeling I know well, but hoped I would leave behind. I hoped I had grown out of this unsettled feeling, perhaps we never grow-up.
IMG_1472Recently, I have found it hard to engage, feel rooted fully in one thing, or be confident with my decisions and self. Being unemployed definitely does not make this self-doubt any better, but self-fulfillment and a sense of purpose does not come from employment. Struggling with this question is part of the process. So right now I struggle. Its hard when you don’t feel rooted, when your heart only flickers (but does not glow), when your jar is empty. But with all those tear jerking statements, I have faith! There is a flicker in my heart, and I can smell the cookies baking. What keeps me going is knowing that I am not alone, writing down my daily successes, and what I am grateful for, and forcing myself to see the little things in life that make me laugh.

I know my life is blessed, but it is still hard. No one tells you how scary it is to live a creative, free flowing, “follow your passion” life. Well…maybe a few people did tell me but I chose not to listen. However, no matter what life you live, I think it is always scary. Next time you struggle, or feel alone, remember you are not alone, and others are also struggling with you. When in doubt, go eat some popcorn, drink some coffee, and sit by a window. That always works for me. Or even better, go for a bike ride! xo